Say what you mean: how to become a more assertive communicator

Say what you mean: how to become a more assertive communicator

Strike the right balance between clarity + confidence and courtesy + consideration.

You’re in a meeting when a team member suggests an idea you’re skeptical of. The way you see it, you have two options: voice your concerns or keep your lips zipped.

Each one comes with potential pros and cons. If you don’t say anything, you risk your team moving forward with a half-baked or misguided suggestion. But if you do speak up, you risk ruffled feathers, hurt feelings, and a reputation as someone who’s overly harsh and critical.

There is a middle ground here: assertive communication. Use this approach to clearly state your thoughts and opinions – while still respecting other people’s perspectives and ideas.

What is assertive communication?

4 communication styles and how to navigate them in the workplace

Assertive communication allows you to express your thoughts, feelings, and points of view clearly and conscientiously.

When you communicate assertively, you’re direct and explicit – there’s no misunderstanding how you feel. But you balance that straightforward approach with plenty of courtesy and consideration for others.

Assertive communication sits in the middle of two other common communication styles on opposite ends of the spectrum: passive and aggressive. Here’s an example of assertive communication and how it compares to a passive or aggressive approach.

Situation: Your team member is late with their part of an important report.

Passive responseAssertive responseAggressive response
“Did you have enough time to finish your part of the report? If not, no worries – I can just work around it.”“I noticed your portion of the report is late. I’m concerned because we need to wrap this up and send it to the leadership team ahead of Thursday’s meeting. Can you let me know a specific time and date when it’ll be done?”“You’re late with this report and you’re holding up the entire project. You always do this, and it’s unacceptable.”

Take a closer look at the assertive communication example and you’ll see it doesn’t avoid confrontation the way the passive response does. It clearly states the problem and your feelings about it, but it also doesn’t lean into being too accusatory or antagonistic like the aggressive response.

That’s not to say that assertive communication is always the default “best” way to communicate. Remember, communication is nuanced and personal – which means different situations (and individuals) warrant different approaches.

What are the 3 Cs of assertive communication?

Assertive communication sounds simple in theory, but can be harder to pull off in the real world. The three Cs of assertive communication can help you better understand what it takes to walk this communication tightrope:

  1. Clear: Express your thoughts and feelings directly and without ambiguity or sugarcoating.
  2. Confident: Deliver your message with self-assurance and belief in your words and actions.
  3. Controlled: Keep your emotions in check, stay calm, and keep your composure – even when the topic is tricky.

What are the benefits of assertive communication?

Leaning into assertive communication can feel like a big shift, especially if you’ve previously defaulted to the passive “brush it off and say nothing” side of the spectrum. However, assertive communication offers several compelling benefits:

Put simply, with a more assertive approach, each member of your team stands to gain better communication skills and smoother collaborations with each other.

Confident or combative? How gender bias affects communication

More assertive communication sounds like a career-building move for anyone, but women face an uphill battle. Gender bias still runs rampant in the workplace, and women and men are perceived differently when they use a more direct approach:

Understandably, women fear that clear and concise communication can damage their reputations or hinder their career advancement opportunities, which goes a long way in explaining why research shows women are more likely to use “softer” communication in the workplace.

If you’re truly going to embrace assertive communication as a leader at work, that means not just adopting it yourself but embracing it from all employees – regardless of gender identity.

6 tips to become a more assertive communicator

If you want to try a more assertive communication style, here are six tips to be direct without being domineering.

1. Know what you mean

Assertive communication is about clearly conveying your point – which means you need to know your point. While that sounds like an obvious first step, you might be surprised by how often it’s missed.

“People often don’t express themselves clearly in the first place,” writes Ingrid Wickelgren in an article for Scientific American. “They forget to include important background or context, which can dramatically shape the meaning of words. In short, even when the other person’s brain is ready to listen, the information they need from a speaker is often not all there.” 

Assertive communication isn’t the same as having a knee-jerk reaction and firing off your thoughts and opinions. Instead, take some time to reflect when you need to (you can simply say, “Can I have some time to think about this before sharing my thoughts?”). Then ask yourself:

That level of self-awareness will help you dig deep and craft a clear and direct response.

2. Use “I” statements

Revisit the example of aggressive communication above and you’ll notice one word that pops up a lot: You’re late with this report and you’re holding up the entire project. You always do this and it’s unacceptable.”

Incorporating “you” statements into your response or feedback feels inherently incriminating. In contrast, relying on “I” statements shows ownership over your thoughts and feelings while also acknowledging that other people might have different perspectives or opinions from you.

Take a look at how that seemingly simple switch makes a major difference in the tone of this statement:

3. Be mindful of your body language

If you’re using assertive communication in a situation where people can see you – whether it’s in-person or on a video call – pay close attention to your nonverbal communication.

Research shows that people often default to nonverbal cues as the more reliable indicator of what you think and how you feel. So, reaffirm your self-assuredness and assertiveness by:

These seemingly subtle changes can work wonders to support your clarity and confidence.

4. Demonstrate emotional intelligence

Assertive communication doesn’t mean blurting out your opinions without any intention or mindfulness. Keep in mind that awareness and respect for other people are what separate assertive communication from an aggressive approach.

But how do you get your point across without being a complete bull in a china shop? This level of emotional intelligence isn’t quite as hard as you might think. Try:

5. Remember to listen

If you blast off your thoughts and opinions without a second thought about how anyone else thinks or feels, you’ll quickly veer into aggressive territory.

Ultimately, assertive communication is a dish best shared. So, by all means, take the mic and say your piece. But when someone responds or challenges your ideas, commit to active listening without defensiveness or a dismissive attitude.

Say what you mean (without being mean)

Communication is complex, which means there’s no one “right” style for every situation and person. However, in many cases, assertive communication gets your point across while prioritizing and protecting your relationships with your team members.

Still feel like too drastic of a shift from your current approach? Start by chiming in – clearly, confidently, and with control – about something relatively low-stakes. You’ll be on your way to building those assertive communication muscles and learning how to speak up in a way that invites collaboration – rather than confusion and conflict.

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