When you’re starting out as a manager, you’re probably going to be singularly focused on helping your team meet its full potential.
To do that, you’ll need to learn how to effectively delegate decisions and measure outcomes, sure – but you’ll also need to create an environment of psychological safety, where your colleagues can be vulnerable about parts of their personal lives that might impact their performance.
“Who we are outside of work is inevitably going to impact how we show up” at work, says Carrie Grogan, lead principal for client services at Mind Share Partners, a nonprofit focused on workplace mental health.
A growing cohort of managers is starting to recognize this, with a third of respondents in a recent survey saying they thought they could be doing more to support their employees’ personal lives.
Learning to step up and support an employee during a personal struggle might feel uncomfortable at first, but it could ultimately pay off in terms of results — to say nothing of the mental health benefits.
“The happier and more well-rested your people are, science shows the more productive they’re going to be,” says Sabina Nawaz, CEO coach and author of the book, “You’re the Boss.”
Should managers really step into their teams’ personal lives?
There’s a fundamental principle here we should keep top of mind: “Managers are not therapists, and they’re not trained as therapists,” Nawaz says.
If your inner skeptic is resisting the very idea of veering into therapist territory, take comfort: That’s not what you’re being asked to do. “We don’t need people crossing those boundaries,” Grogan says – that can easily get you into a sticky situation you don’t have the training (or authority) to handle properly.
This doesn’t mean, however, that you should ignore your employees’ personal lives entirely. There’s a happy medium where managers can be sensitive to personal issues, and accommodate them, without crossing any lines.
Here’s an example: Let’s say a member of your team is dealing with the death of a beloved pet. That person might be feeling sad, but still motivated to come into work. As their manager, you can recognize their pain by checking in and asking if they need any support. This might be as simple as letting them skip certain meetings so they can have more heads-down productive time (which might be a good distraction), and avoid having to put on a smile in front of others.
“When you normalize that you don’t have to show up and be perfect, that can make all the difference for people,” Grogan says.
How to provide more support to your team
There are many ways you, as a manager, can be more sensitive to your team members’ personal issues. Some might be things you already do naturally, and some might take a bit of practice.
Model the behaviors you want to see in others
It starts with you.
One great place to start is creating a personal user manual for yourself, and encouraging your coworkers to do the same. These documents will help your team understand each other’s preferences for work and communication styles — and even their comfort level with sharing personal details at work.
“Each of us is wired differently – we have different preferences,” Nawaz says.
If that comfort level is there for you, you might want to let your guard down a bit. “A really big thing we recommend is role-modeling vulnerability,” Grogan says. Conventional wisdom dictates that leaders should appear strong and invincible. But actually, some of the best leaders are those that can be honest when they’re not doing well, Grogan says.
If you normalize sharing when your mood is off – even if you don’t get into detail about why – it could open the door for members of your team to do the same, rather than pretending they’re always fine (which is a mental load all its own).
Of course, these types of disclosure might feel scary, and they’re not a requirement. There’s room on an effective team for those who don’t want to be vulnerable at work, either.
Opt for curiosity, not advice-giving
If an employee comes to you with an issue from their personal life, you might be tempted to immediately jump into problem-solving mode – and that urge to help is totally understandable.
But unsolicited pieces of advice “are really not helpful in those moments,” Nawaz says. It can actually be much more effective to simply listen and acknowledge your employee’s struggle. “It’s actually doing less, not more,” Nawaz says.
Rather than a solution, offer a question. You might ask this person what kind of support they need at that moment. It doesn’t mean you can or should give them everything they ask for, but expressing curiosity is the best way to collaborate with them to find a workable accommodation, according to Nawaz.
That said, even curiosity has its limits. Never push an employee to disclose more than they’re comfortable with, and don’t pry into private lives. Keep the questions open-ended and focused on how you can offer support, which creates safety for them to open up if they want to.
For example, with the recent fires in Los Angeles, you might want to check in with anyone on your team that has connections to that region. Saying, “I wanted to check in and see if you’re okay,” is a simple and effective way to do it. “That’s not therapist language, that’s just being a good human,” Grogan says.
What to say (and what not to say)
Here are some scripts for how to approach your next conversation.
Avoid phrases like, “At least it’s not…,” or “Everything will be okay.” Minimizing someone’s problem in this way is more harmful than helpful. Also avoid phrases that start with “You should…,” which is a good sign you’re about to give some unsolicited advice.
Aim for phrases like, “I’m sorry to hear that. This must be hard. What would be most helpful for you at this moment?” or, “I assume you’re telling me this as a heads up. Thank you. Is there anything else you need from me?” Acknowledging someone’s pain, and offering open-ended support, is always a smart move. If you’re not sure what else to say, keep it short.
Stay in your (company’s) lane
There might be times when an employee requests or needs accommodations to get them through a difficult situation. This is where you can flex your solutions muscle, within reason.
You might remind a team member of any mental health resources available through your company’s EAP, but make sure this is framed as a suggestion, not a requirement. Or, the solution could be as simple as giving them extra time on a project deadline.
Try to keep your suggestions within the realm of the company, Grogan says. Don’t offer to connect an employee to outside mental health resources or clinical treatment. And if you’re not sure how to proceed, you can always consult HR.
Remember: “It’s not your job to fix” anything, Grogan says, or to come up with a diagnosis or a treatment plan. Your job is to create more flexibility and autonomy for them, and connect them with internal resources where you can.
Reward self-care, not self-sacrifice
When you’re giving praise, privately or publicly, Nawaz says you should avoid lauding someone’s lack of sleep or around-the-clock work on a project, which reinforces expectations that they should sacrifice themselves to succeed at work.
Instead, next time you’re giving praise or feedback to someone, try giving specific positive feedback centered on outcomes. Nawaz gives this example: “When you presented this to the client, and used specific data points, the client was able to see the need for urgency, better than if you had simply told them there was urgency. So I really appreciate the fact you provided that data.” This is highly specific feedback about the outcome of a positive behavior, which someone can (and should!) replicate again.
You could also praise an employee for striking a good work-life balance, or taking the time they needed to recharge before working on a challenging project.
Being mindful of this kind of language goes a long way in setting the culture on your team. While praising self-sacrifice can encourage a culture of fear and pressure, praising self-care instead can foster a culture of sustainability and humanity that still produces impressive results.